Heartbroken

Yesterday was a terrible day.

After work, we received the news that Tim's close friends were killed in a helicopter crash.  Bruce was like a father figure to Tim.  Tim loved him and loved working with him.  Both men were Tim's friends and sometimes-bosses.  (Tim would work for Bruce and Klause when they were needing help, usually when Klause was out of state working on a project.)

It is so hard to think that the friend who teased Tim and who Tim teased relentlessly is gone.  Bruce always gave Tim advice and talking to him about all sorts of things.  He was a wonderful man. 

Last July, we went with Bruce and Linda to the July 24th concert at the Conference Center.  It was an amazing night with amazing friends.  After the concert, I mentioned to Tim that maybe we should just wait in our seats for a while until it clears out.  Nope.  Bruce and Linda were up and outa there!  Those two shorties held hands and weaved in and out of people so fast that they got us out of there in no time at all.  They walked fast!  I had to trot at times to keep up with them.

Bruce and Linda would borrow our trailer.  The last time they borrowed it, Linda cleaned it up all nice and pretty - then turned around to see her grandson pee in the toilet.  After it had been emptied.  They were very embarrassed.

They were just GOOD people!  My heart hurts for Linda.  I can't imagine what she is going through. 

I don't know Klause as well, but Tim really liked being around him.  Klause and his wife had served a mission and were making plans to expand their business up to Alaska so they could relocate there.  Bruce and his wife were going to go on a mission in a couple of years when she could retire.

After receiving that devastating news, Tim's sister called with more bad news.  Bad news for us.

Max (the grandson) is in foster care right now until they can get everything squared away for Sarah to take care of him until we get him moved up here.  The plan was that she would care for him for a few weeks and then he would come up here.  Well, Max's attorney feels like it would be best for Max to stay in Texas.  So Sarah agreed to keep him longer.

I am heartbroken.  I had given up on having a baby years ago.  I was fine with not having a baby.  I was happy to be past the baby stage.  When we heard the news that we may get him, I was so nervous because I hadn't held a baby in years!  I was getting worried about how to pay for daycare and diapers and formula and baby food and clothes and him getting sick.  But I also started to get very excited.  I didn't think I wanted another baby - but apparently I do.  I was looking for cribs, bedding, looking for all the things a baby would need.  I held a baby over Thanksgiving and thought to myself that I could do this!  We went to the Temple for a sealing and Tim and I talked about it being us being sealed as a family to Max someday (I don't think Ashley will get him back - she still hasn't made an effort).  I was so excited to have another chance at a baby.  So excited.

And that chance is most likely gone.  Unless the Judge says Max is coming up here, he will stay in Texas for at least 6 months.  In 6 months, they may send him up to us for the next 6 months.

But in 6 months, if Ashley doesn't change, Max will have grown attached to Sarah and her family.  They will have grown attached to him.  I know how hard it is to say goodbye to a child that you have loved as your own - to send them back to their parent, wondering if they will take care of him as you would.  How will they be able to say goodbye?  Would it be in Max's best interest if we take him from the family he knows?  If Ashley's parental rights are terminated before the year is up and Max is with Sarah, they will be able to adopt him if they want to.  So many things to think of.

I was soooo looking forward to taking care of our grandson.  But now I have a heavy heart and am crushed.

I knew I shouldn't have gotten excited.  I am trying so hard not to be upset with Sarah for saying she'd keep him longer.  If she had just told them she could do it only for a few weeks......

Yesterday was a terrible day.  I want a re-do!