One year later.....

A lot has happened this year!

I will update on Max first.  So we were told that Sarah would be keeping Max for the six months and then the reevaluation.  I knew then that Ashley and Roger would not be getting Max back.  Call it a gut feeling or whatever you will.  I also had a feeling that we wouldn't be able to adopt him, but I kept hoping.  I was stupid and got my hopes up - finally, a baby that we weren't able to have after Sterling.

Every time we would talk to Sarah, she would say that we have the first chance to adopt Max and that she wouldn't get in our way.  I had my doubts - I know how HARD it was to give Jayden back to his dad.  But she told us she would tell the judge that we should have first choice for adopting him.

Back in January, we went up to Idaho to spend the weekend with Matt and CoDele.  We were talking to them about Max with the feeling that it wasn't intended for us to have him and having given up with getting him.  Matt and CoDele have supported us 100% with us getting Max.  They encouraged us to fight for him if that is what we felt we should do.  We are his grandparents for cryin' out loud!  We should have had him sent to us.  I totally understand why the state would want him to be where he could see him parents - but knowing what I know about things, I knew it was only a matter of time before the parental rights would be taken away and Max would be able to be adopted.

So, I started to think once again that we should work on getting Max.  In March, we started the process for kinship foster care.  This would give us financial assistance until we could adopt him if the parental rights were terminated.  We had the house inspected by social services and we had three friends write letters of recommendation for us.  The social worker saw no problems.  There were things we needed to do to the house before final approval, but she was on board with us not installing fire extinguishers in each room or a baby gate at the stairs or window well covers until such time that we knew Max was coming up to us.

Then, we got devastating news from Matt and CoDele at the end of March.  At Matthew Jr's mission farewell, Janet (Tim's mom) went and proceeded to tell everyone that Sarah was starting the adoption paperwork and that she and Chad were the best option for Max.  Tim was too old and had health issues and that we shouldn't raise Max.  And Sterling wouldn't like having Max in our home and wouldn't adjust well but Sarah's kids just love Max and want him.  It was like a kick in the gut!  I have had my own doubts on whether or not we would be good parents.  I've worried that we are too old and set in our ways.  I was stressed about finances.  I was having doubts on whether we should take him.  But in my heart I was so excited for the opportunity - even if it was six months after we anticipated it.  I was so bitter toward Tim's mom.  I didn't speak to her until Thanksgiving.  I still am bitter toward her but trying hard to be nice.  After all, she is Tim's mom and that is what she feels is best.  I can't fault her for having her own opinion.

Anyway, Tim and I had planned on a trip to Texas when a hearing was scheduled so that the Judge would know that we were willing and able to bring Max home.  A couple of weeks before we were supposed to go down, Sarah called us with news that Roger was going to fight having his parental rights terminated and that any final decisions about Max would be 6 months down the road.  We knew then that we had no chance at Max.  He would have been with Sarah and her family for 9 months at that point and they wouldn't take him away from what he knew.  It was devastating.  Again.  But for some stupid reason, I had hope.

But then the relief at not having the responsibility kicked in and made it easier. I wouldn't have to worry about kid stuff - teething, potty training, teaching to read, etc.  I suffer from anxiety so I was having major anxiety over having an infant.  One minute I would be anxious and having a panic attack and the next loving the thought of having him with us - imagining what it would be like at church, dropping off and picking up from daycare, shopping, etc.  The snuggles, the giggles, the joys of having a little one. It was also heartbreaking because I kept wondering why the Lord did not want us to have Max and all I can think of was that we aren't doing a good enough job with Sterling and he doesn't want us to ruin another child.  It has been hard.

In August, we had a family reunion and when we got back, we had two phone calls.  One from our grandkids' step-mom Whitney (that is a WHOLE other novel to write!) and one from Sarah.  Sarah informed us that Roger and Ashley walked into court the previous Friday and announced that they wanted to terminate their parental rights.

It came as a shock to everyone.

Then Sarah tells us that they love Max and want to adopt him but won't tell the courts yes until Tim and I gave our approval.  The next breath she talked about having appointments with attorneys the following week to start the paperwork.  And (if I could have reached through the phone to punch her, I would have) Tim can focus on being a grandpa instead of a daddy.

I was (still am, to be honest) ANGRY.  She never had any intentions of letting us take Max.  I wish she had been honest with us.  Once Sarah got involved, she became friends with the social workers and knew absolutely everything about the case - even things the social workers should not have shared with her about Ashley.  We didn't hear from the social workers after Sarah got involved.  It makes it even worse.

At that point, there was no reason to fight.  We realized we couldn't take Max from the home he has known and from people who love him.  And I know what it was like to have a child I have loved as my own taken from me - it was the most painful thing I have experienced with Jayden - and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.  Not even Sarah.  I couldn't have fought for him knowing the pain it would cause her and her family.

We ended up going to Texas the middle of August to take Kym and Levi back to their dad. This was the week that Sarah gave us the news. I wanted to see Max.  That is the only reason I went - because I wanted to see him.  I shouldn't have gone.  It was harder than I imagined.  I didn't hold him.  I couldn't.  As soon as Sarah walked to me with him and offered to let me hold him, I turned and walked away.  I started to cry so I had to walk away.  Heck, I started to get teary eyed many times the day we were there.  It was soooooo hard to look at Sarah, let alone talk to her. I can't believe how heart broken I was.  I left not having held him.  I still get teary eyed when I think about him.  He is so precious and so dang cute!!!

I know he will be loved and taken care of.  But I am extremely bitter toward Sarah and what I feel she has done to us.  I know that will probably hold me back when I stand before our Lord and Savior to be judged.  If I can't let go, I will be the one to suffer.  I am the one suffering right now while I am trying my best to let go.  I am trying so hard to let go of my anger and, quite frankly, hatred of the situation.  I can honestly say that I hate my sister-in-law.  I am trying soooooo hard not to hate her.  I am hoping that my anger toward her goes away quickly and that I won't hate her anymore.  But so far it hasn't happened.  She acts like nothing is wrong and that it is totally normal for someone to be adopting their brother's grandchild.  She has sent us about 6 pictures in the year since she has had him.  6.  I had hoped for more but she hasn't seen the need to send pictures.

As of right now, Sarah is trying to get the funds together to pay for an attorney to finish the adoption (although we were told that the state has funds for that purpose).  She has had Kym and Levi for several months and apparently that has taken money from their adoption fund.  Whatever.  I really don't believe a word she says anymore.  I know for a fact that she has lied about a few things she has told us, so I think she is lying about needing to pay for an attorney.

This right there, folks, is the latest on Max. 

And I have just shared with the world that I am not Christ-like!

Max

It is official.

Sarah has Max for at least 6 months.  They will re-evaluate Ashley at that point to see how things are going.  If the state decides to terminate Ashley's parental rights, then the Judge will have Sarah's family and our family checked out and will decide who can adopt him.

Sarah told Tim that she will tell the judge that he should be able to adopt him.

But I don't believe that because all she had to do was say that she would take care of him for a month before he came up to us.  That was the plan - I thought.  She is not going to want to say goodbye.  Her and her family will be attached to him.

Made for an even worse weekend.

Heartbroken

Yesterday was a terrible day.

After work, we received the news that Tim's close friends were killed in a helicopter crash.  Bruce was like a father figure to Tim.  Tim loved him and loved working with him.  Both men were Tim's friends and sometimes-bosses.  (Tim would work for Bruce and Klause when they were needing help, usually when Klause was out of state working on a project.)

It is so hard to think that the friend who teased Tim and who Tim teased relentlessly is gone.  Bruce always gave Tim advice and talking to him about all sorts of things.  He was a wonderful man. 

Last July, we went with Bruce and Linda to the July 24th concert at the Conference Center.  It was an amazing night with amazing friends.  After the concert, I mentioned to Tim that maybe we should just wait in our seats for a while until it clears out.  Nope.  Bruce and Linda were up and outa there!  Those two shorties held hands and weaved in and out of people so fast that they got us out of there in no time at all.  They walked fast!  I had to trot at times to keep up with them.

Bruce and Linda would borrow our trailer.  The last time they borrowed it, Linda cleaned it up all nice and pretty - then turned around to see her grandson pee in the toilet.  After it had been emptied.  They were very embarrassed.

They were just GOOD people!  My heart hurts for Linda.  I can't imagine what she is going through. 

I don't know Klause as well, but Tim really liked being around him.  Klause and his wife had served a mission and were making plans to expand their business up to Alaska so they could relocate there.  Bruce and his wife were going to go on a mission in a couple of years when she could retire.

After receiving that devastating news, Tim's sister called with more bad news.  Bad news for us.

Max (the grandson) is in foster care right now until they can get everything squared away for Sarah to take care of him until we get him moved up here.  The plan was that she would care for him for a few weeks and then he would come up here.  Well, Max's attorney feels like it would be best for Max to stay in Texas.  So Sarah agreed to keep him longer.

I am heartbroken.  I had given up on having a baby years ago.  I was fine with not having a baby.  I was happy to be past the baby stage.  When we heard the news that we may get him, I was so nervous because I hadn't held a baby in years!  I was getting worried about how to pay for daycare and diapers and formula and baby food and clothes and him getting sick.  But I also started to get very excited.  I didn't think I wanted another baby - but apparently I do.  I was looking for cribs, bedding, looking for all the things a baby would need.  I held a baby over Thanksgiving and thought to myself that I could do this!  We went to the Temple for a sealing and Tim and I talked about it being us being sealed as a family to Max someday (I don't think Ashley will get him back - she still hasn't made an effort).  I was so excited to have another chance at a baby.  So excited.

And that chance is most likely gone.  Unless the Judge says Max is coming up here, he will stay in Texas for at least 6 months.  In 6 months, they may send him up to us for the next 6 months.

But in 6 months, if Ashley doesn't change, Max will have grown attached to Sarah and her family.  They will have grown attached to him.  I know how hard it is to say goodbye to a child that you have loved as your own - to send them back to their parent, wondering if they will take care of him as you would.  How will they be able to say goodbye?  Would it be in Max's best interest if we take him from the family he knows?  If Ashley's parental rights are terminated before the year is up and Max is with Sarah, they will be able to adopt him if they want to.  So many things to think of.

I was soooo looking forward to taking care of our grandson.  But now I have a heavy heart and am crushed.

I knew I shouldn't have gotten excited.  I am trying so hard not to be upset with Sarah for saying she'd keep him longer.  If she had just told them she could do it only for a few weeks......

Yesterday was a terrible day.  I want a re-do!

Dirty Laundry

I am pretty darn ticked off right now.

My dad is home from the hospital and getting better every day.  He is still really weak and isn't eating as much as he used to, but he is getting better.  We took dinner to them Sunday (we ate there, of course) because I wanted to spend more time with my parents.  I realize they won't be here forever and I want Sterling to have many good memories of them.

I found out that two of my brothers haven't even called them.  Granted, they were on a cruise while dad was in the hospital.  My mom sent texts out to all of us kids knowing that they may not get them for awhile but wanted to make sure they were kept in the loop.  She hoped that there would be times when the texts made it through.  They did.  One brother responded with a  comment about how it took 12 hours to get that text.  No "how is dad now" or anything like that.  They have been on US Soil since Thursday and had plenty of chances to check on him.

Nope.  Nada.  We know their wives don't like us - but come on.  IT IS YOUR DAD.  For heaven's sake CALL HIM.

Maybe I will leave a lump of coal on their porches Christmas Eve.

What a week!

The last 8 days have been full of excitement.  Well, excitement isn't the right word.  Adventure?  No.  Anxiety?  No.  Lets just say there have been a wide range of emotions.

Last Monday, Tim received a call from Texas Child Protective Services.  To make a VERY long story short, see this cute kid?

Well, this adorable 2 1/2 month old may be coming to Utah.  After an hour and a half on a conference call with three officials, Tim, his daughter, Kym and Levi's father, Max's father, and a family friend, nothing was really decided what would happen with Max.

After the last time of giving out too much information and Tim's daughter getting very upset, I can't say too much.  But there is a chance that we may be raising another grandchild.

In a way, I really want to bring him up here.  He needs a stable, safe place to live.  Somewhere he will be taken care of by people who love him dearly.  Not that he isn't loved in Texas.  He is.  But I'm also hesitant because I am WELL past the baby stage.  I gave up a few years ago on having a baby and have since come to accept it and to relish in the fact that I have some freedom.  Having a baby will tie us down and put a financial strain on us.

But I look at his face (isn't that face just adorable?) and want to protect him and love him.

Then I think of the diapers and the crying in the middle of the night and the teething and the fussiness and it kind of scares me!  And then I have to laugh because two weeks ago, as I was sitting in Relief Society I was giggling inside at the mothers who had fussy babies and thinking that I was glad it wasn't me.

Tim is trying to get some answers as to what will be happening.  Oh, he needs to be well taken care of and I hope we find out soon.

Then on Friday, my mom tells me that my dad had to be taken to the ER because of a kidney stone.  My dad does not complain.  Not once did he complain when he had a major tooth infection - resulting in teeth being pulled.  And not once did he complain about being in pain until it was unbearable.

They sent him home with drugs.

Unfortunately, his kidney became infected and it shut down.  So when he took the pain meds, it made him extremely loopy.  Almost to the point of a drug overdose.  The drugs went straight to his bloodstream without any filtering.  My mom and sister called 911 Sunday night around 11 pm.  My dad was so out of it.  He wouldn't respond to them.  He wouldn't eat.  He wouldn't drink.  He just wouldn't move.  he didn't need to visit the little boys room.  He could barely stay sitting up in the chair.

This is my dad last night, after having his kidney drained:

My dear, sweet dad.  He gave us quite the scare.  None of us got much sleep Sunday night and Scott, Paula nor I got any work done at work!  I couldn't focus.  I just kept checking my phone for updates and staring at my computer.

It is such a relief to know he is feeling better.  Hopefully they will let him come home tomorrow - after he gains a little more strength.

Exhausted

If I had to describe how I feel in one word, it would be exhausted.

I have never felt this way in my life!  When I was pregnant, my biggest complaint was being so, so, so very tired.  But this is a different feeling.  For the last few months, it has been getting worse.  I have no energy to do anything.  I wake up in the morning and I'm still tired!  I am yawning from the get-go.  I don't want to do anything but lounge around and relax!

I finally had enough of the exhaustion, the hot flashes (if these ain't hot flashed, then I'm in big trouble later on in life!) and being hot all the time, the headaches, the achy body, the feeling of a ten pound weight being on my chest when I lay down and the wicky-wacky heartbeat.  I went to the doctor thinking that my thyroid might be messed up.  Heaven knows our family has more than a few members with thyroid problems!  Nope.  That wasn't it. 

My doctor told me that my depression/anxiety must not be under control like we thought.  And I have acid reflux (who knew?  I thought that involved burning sensations).  I wanted to tell him he was off his rocker about the depression.  But thought that he would know best.  I thought my depression/anxiety was just fine!  Sure, I'd get anxious going in to work - but that has been a normal part of my life for the past few years.

So I got a new prescription and had hope that things would get better. 

That was Monday.

Friday morning was fantastic!  I had so much energy.  I cleaned the kitchen, swept and mopped the floor, and did some laundry.  I was thrilled!

Then noon hit and I crashed.  Exhausted.  I am back to being so tired and achy.  I drag my butt out of bed around 6 am and am back to pulling my hair back most days so you don't know it is wet.  It feels like I have the start of the flu - it comes and goes so I know it isn't the flu.  I get headaches and I'm miserable!

(And don't tell me I'd feel better if I exercised.  And don't tell me it is because I'm overweight.  Just ask Tim.  I don't take kindly to that.)

Maybe one of these days I'll feel normal again!

Relief!

Lately things have been kind of stressful for us.  For reasons I don't want to go into, we have had to make weekly visits to a doctor.  It isn't life threatening or anything like that, but it is to help with a certain someone in my home that needs help. 

When I set up the appointment, I checked first on our insurance coverage and was told it would only be a co-pay of $25.  We can do that.  We get to the office, and she tells me that it is $75 minimum until our deductible is paid.  I about passed out and became very anxious.  (Did I mention that I suffer BIG TIME from anxiety?)   Imagine what my anxiety level did when I found out that we needed to go back every week!  And that the cost per visit was $90.

For the last 4 weeks I have been so stressed and anxious.  I know we need to be doing this, but the cost was causing me to lose sleep, eat more, drink more Mtn Dew, be crankier, and I started to go back into a depression. 

I finally called our insurance company again and was assured that we do not have to meet the deductible.  I told her they informed me at the office that I had to meet a deductible, but the insurance company has assured me that we do not.

Yay!  I can breath a bit easier.  Such a relief.